A Closet, A Pair Of Scissors, And A Choice| A Memoir

I was in college, my first year, and I  was getting ready for class trying to find something to wear.  I still thought this was a big part of my social status, the way my clothes looked on my body.  Everything I tried on was tight, I could see the "muffin" bulge, and I started to cry, I was angry, I was hurt.

Gazing around my room at all the clothes that did nothing for my figure, I took a pair of scissors and began cutting all the material that was insulting my image.  Rage had overcome my will to control my tears and anger, ultimately this was my fault.  I continued to cut and rip anything that intimidated me to try to wear, crying, shaking in defeat.

Needless to say I missed class that day, in fact the entire week, over the closet of clothes that failed me and the distorted image in the mirror.  The chubby face, double chin, and extra bulge around the abdominal area were to much to bear this time and I felt that everyone would recognize the weight gain.

So I started to starve myself, this in my mind was the only way to get rid of the ugliness quick.  In fact i was punishing my body for not being able to keep the weight off and punishing myself for allowing myself to get to this point.  It didn't work.  It took about 8 months to realize what I was feeding my body was what was attributing to my fatal outlook of an image I had created in my mind.

The truth was I had only gained 10 pounds, yet my mind and the social network I was surrounded by was 20 pounds thinner than me, raving over their size 2 body.  Again, I was outraged.  Who was so important in society to claim the super skinny as the beautiful?  Why was it that the number inside my pants determined my social status? 

Thankfully 15 years later, society has begun to catch on that we are not to starve ourselves, we are not to feel rejected, we WILL not allow them to determine our inner and outer beauty by the size of clothing we wear. 

If you find yourself in this black desolate space of despair, please know you are never alone, you are not the only one and you are beautiful, you are of worth.